50 ways to annoy Lancelot series 2
by yaoifangirlHolly
Summary: Title speaks for itself really. Contains slash references but other than that nothing offensive


**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin.**

**Story: I thought it was obvious with "series 2" that these include series 2 things and therefore spoilers for those who haven't seen it yet. But having been asked, it apparently isn't, so here it is folks – contains spoilers.**

**50 Ways to Annoy Lancelot (series 2)**

Tell him he's as cute as a buttermilk biscuit.

Ask him how being a knight is going. If possible, have Arthur in the background polishing his sword or shield and looking glorious.

Update him on what he missed after leaving. Between all the mundane stuff, drop in little things like "...and Arthur kissed Gwen..." and so on.

Tell him Merlin "really, really" misses him being his "roomie"

Tell him he'll never win Merlin if he keeps wooing him then disappearing. Er, Gwen, you meant Gwen.

Introduce him to the slash dragon. Ensure Merlin is present.

Paint his sword with pink glittery paint, then have Merlin give it to him in front of Gwen.

Constantly refer to him as Lancelot, fifth son of Lord Eldred of Northumbria. Pay no attention when he corrects you.

Tell him he can't be that great, he didn't even get his own month on the official Merlin calendar 2010, yet the avanc, a big ugly monster did. What does that say about him?

Tell him you know he watched Gwen sleeping through the little window when they were in the prison cells next to each other.

Call him Arthur by mistake then tell him it was seeing him with Gwen that made you get mixed up, and apologise profusely.

Flirt outrageously with him whenever Gwen is nearby. Or just get Merlin to.

Ask him if he prefers guys in red neckerchiefs or blue neckerchiefs.

Plant a copy of Cosmopolitan on his person or with his belongings and make sure Gwen and if possible, Arthur too, notice it.

Spread it around that after leaving Camelot and being so unable to find work, Lancelot was forced to become a male prostitute. Quote his words – "I was forced to earn a living the only way I know how, with a sword in my hand..."

For added effect, after 15), ask Gwen how much she'd be willing to pay.

Plant some of Gwen's clothing, ideally her undergarments, on Lancelot, then accuse him of having them and of being a pervert in front of Camelot (ideally with Gwen and Arthur present). Then whip them out from where you have planted them on him...

Tell him his hair was better how it used to be as many times as possible.

Try to trick him (or if not possible, frame him) into going up to Gwen and saying "So, apart from being sexy, what else do you do?"

When he is within earshot and you are sat talking to Gwen, say loudly "He only wants to get into your pants after all!"

For added effect, after 20), if he rushes over to defend himself, say "What made you think we were talking about you, Lancelot?" Then point and say "GUILTY!"

Tell him you know his sob story about not being able to realise his dream was just a feeble attempt to win favour with Gwen.

Tell Lancelot that Gwen is actually more interested in Sappho, then set it up so he witnesses her hugging Morgana, smiling at Morgana, giving Morgana flowers etc. etc.

Tell him that it isn't Gwen that Arthur fancies...*pointed look at Lancelot*

Ask him who has the bigger sword, him or Arthur.

Sidle up to him and say "So, Lancelot – Arthur or Merlin?" When he looks confused, raise an eyebrow and say "You know what I mean..."

Congratulate him on letting Gwen escape from the Wilddeoren. Then clap your hand to your forehead and say "Oh no, wait, you didn't! Arthur had to come save her, didn't he?"

Tell him that Arthur's kissed Gwen twice, so he has some catching up to do. A little finger touching through prison bars simply won't cut it.

Write some explicit Gwen/Lancelot fiction in Lancelot's handwriting. Leave it in an easy to see place in his room then find an excuse to get Gwen in there under the pretext of cleaning his room.

For added effect, send Arthur in too, telling him you found something shocking that he ought to see.

Dance around Lancelot and mimic his words in a mocking and melodramatic tone – "I would die for you one hundred times over." Mime barfing.

Go up to him, pat him on the back and say loudly, "Look, you can have Gwen if you really want her. Arthur found that Merlin gives better blowjobs anyway..."

Tell him he does have more chance of winning Gwen now, because his hairstyle looks less gay than it used to.

Suggest that he duels Arthur to win Gwen's fair hand. And by duel, you mean a fight to the death. When Lancelot says no, turn to Gwen and say "I knew he wasn't man enough..."

Go around Camelot taking bets on whether Gwen will choose Arthur or Lancelot. Make sure Lancelot witnesses this, and make it obvious that the bets are in Arthur's favour...

For added effect, after 35), go up to Lancelot and ask him if he wants to place a bet.

Tell him that Gwen absolutely hates romantic gestures. Tell Arthur that she loves them .

Ask him why if he's man enough to rescue Gwen, isn't he man enough to stick around and fight for her love? Burst into a rendition of Cheryl Cole's Fight For This Love to hammer the point home.

Tell him if he'd cut out the romantic slushy crap, Gwen might actually have escaped.

Ask him if he invented the Hallmark card with all its cheesy romance.

"I will die with faith in my heart. That is worth more than anything." "Is it, Lancelot? Is it really?" (repeat over and over)

Tell him that Gwen had always hoped to die from the intense orgasms Arthur gave her, until Lancelot promised her something much better...being eaten alive by a giant rat.

Tell him that being a martyr isn't going to win him Gwen.

Tell him that since him and Arthur are equally attractive, it will come down to who is better in bed. Tell him they both get 20 minutes with Gwen in a broom cupboard, lights off, and whoever impresses her the most she will choose.

Tell him that brunettes are so last year. Blondes are the hot ones.

Tell him that being Arthur's knight involves giving sexual favours...

Tell Lancelot Merlin is going to do a magician act in Camelot's square and he wants Lancelot to be the assistant. Pull out a skimpy bunny outfit and hand it to Lancelot.

When Lancelot is practicing with Arthur and the knights, tell everyone in alternating loud and hushed whispers that Lancelot only joined the knights to playfight with Arthur/see Arthur all sweaty etc.

Call him Buffalot, Fakealot, Smilesalot, Sweatalot, and basically anything but Lancelot.

Fill the crotch of his armour with itching powder, just before he puts it on and goes to see Gwen.


End file.
